Feelings Analysis

Makasih ya Allah, untuk mengingatkanku kembali, tepat di saat ketika aku sudah hampir lupa seperti apa manisnya rasa bahagia itu.

But, still, I won't consider these strange matters as feelings. Insha Allah. Dia itu Maha pembolak balik hati, and He, surely, knows the best for me. I won't let myself doing the same mistake again, because those mistakes hurt really bad, took a lot of time and efforts to heal it.

A lesson learned today. Just do whatever your heart tells you, but don't forget the values you're holding on to. And the good thing is, I made some progresses. I talked with that person casually. I asked the things that I really want to know to that person, without impure intentions, Insha Allah. I even gave some complements to that person, even if that person didn't even realize it. And I tried to be independent. The most important thing is, I'm being honest with myself. This case is different from the old case, it's totally a different story, with different characters.

I won't expect anything. It may be sakali, but for real, I think it's too early to consider this matters as love. I'm just praying that one day, Allah will show me the best kind of perspective to see this matters. I was badly injured, though (maybe) no one know about it. I silently promised to myself that I would never, ever do something without giving my best efforts in it. Yeah, everything. Including in that what-so-called-feelings. I told myself, there's no way to go back to yesterday. But, if you want to, you can make a new ending today. 

Now, I'm not so sure about my feelings. I started to realize that up until now, I'm actually still up for looks. I see people from how they look, not from their true nature. He was the only one that I look for personality-sake, not for the sake of good looks. But now, since things already like this, I'm telling you : the only solution that I can think right now, is preventing myself from doing the same mistake over and over again. Yup, I'm going to restrain myself, now.

Rule : It isn't love if you only see them from their looks. They might be good looking, smart, and rich. But human get old fast, their good looks will vanish easily. And we won't spend long time on this temporary place. All I need is just an Imam to guide me to Jannah. Itu pun kalo saya masih diberi kesempatan hidup ya.

P.S. : kalau aku punya anak, aku mau namain mereka Abdurrahman, Muhammad, Aisyah, Hafshah! #khayalanmasadepanyangterlalujauh


Rise & Grind!
Bewizta<3

love first, then you’ll lose first

Actually, it's a repost from my new blog. But however, I'll tell it again, because this is the expression of my final decision for my love life!!!!

***

It’s a pic from awesome Korean manhwa titled "Do You Want to Try?". That line doesn’t express that the characters literally wants to ‘do’ the person that, he means that he wants himself and the girl he loves to be in love together… in the next life, because they can’t be together in the real life. You should read that manhwa, especially if you’re a fan of shoujo manga. This manhwa is different. The characters are interesting from the beginning to the end. I have read this manhwa for two times. And I still had that ‘ba thump!’ feelings.

But, unfortunately I’m not going to talk about this manhwa specifically now. I am more focused to the fact that sometimes, people who has fallen for someone earlier than the others have to be the first person to let go of that ’someone’.

And, maybe, semuanya memang seperti itu. Lihat di Daun Yang Jatuh Tak Pernah Membenci Angin. Atau di Remember When. Semua tokoh yang kenal lebih awal dengan orang yang ia cintai, harus berpisah dengannya lebih awal pula. Tania, harus merelakan Danar yang dikenalnya sangat lama. Dan sangat dekat. Juga Gia, yang mencintai Adrian terlebih dahulu, tetapi harus merelakan Adrian untuk Freya.

Semua yang dimulai lebih awal, akan berakhir lebih awal pula.

Aku, mengenalmu lebih awal. Mengagumimu lebih awal. Tapi, waktu bukanlah jaminan. Cinta bukanlah tentang siapa yang hadir lebih awal, tapi tentang siapa yang bertahan lebih lama tanpa membuat orang yang ia cintai merasa risih. Semua ini benar-benar terasa ambigu untukku.

Tapi satu hal yang kutahu : semua ini takkan pernah jadi nyata.

I have to let you go now, while I still can do it. I’m afraid, if I keep postponing to let you go, I won’t be able to let you go at all.

***

Ya. Kau dan aku. Saling jatuh cinta. Di kehidupan selanjutnya.

10

Saya udah mencoba bikin non-fiksi, yah, kayak jurnal gitu, tapi ngedeskripsiin tentang dari awal saya kenal apirang sampai...

Yeah, until I decided to get over him.

And you know what?

Belum apa-apa, tulisan itu sudah menghabiskan 10 halaman microsoft word. Padahal, itu masih berupa abstraksi yang belum lengkap, terputus-putus dan banyak sekali peristiwa yang terlewat. Bahkan banyak bagian yang baru berupa sebuah kalimat yang bisa cukup mengingatkan saya pada apa yang terjadi di masa lalu. Oh, well.

Kalau dibaca-baca lagi abstraksinya, despite of the fact that everything has changed now, I really really miss those times. Selama apa sih 2 tahun itu? Kayaknya sebentar sekali. Sebanyak itukah yang bisa terjadi, well, di antara 'kita'? I mean,  I can't really say that we ARE friends, and neither can he. Padahal, perumpamaannya kita itu udah masuk masa awkwardnya relation between a boy and a girl. You know, that time when every simple moves started to make sense and you're really scared to see him. DAN KALAU KALIAN LIAT GIMANA SEKARANG KITA ACT TOWARDS EACH OTHER, I bet you won't even realize if we had known each other before. We're really a pair of good actor. Uh-huh.

Oke, oke. Saya kangen, kangen banget, tapi di satu sisi saya nggak kangen. (jadi ambigu gini kan........) Intinya, he turned into a pretty big waste of my time. KE AMRIK AJA SANA KAMU! Eh jangan. Saya aja yang ke Amrik hehehehe *ada modus.

Bohong banget emang posting TLG itu. Kalian udah tau kan TLG itu kepanjangannya apa? The Last Galau.Yeah, it sounds silly. And weird. And intoxicating. Semakin kamu mencoba melupakan seseorang, semakin ingat jadinya. Duh.

P.S. : just by now I read 2 postings (or articles) that contain very different topic. This is the sign that, you know, Matahari is getting more handsome right now. Noooooooooooooo, I was just kidding. Tapi dia emang ganteng sih *sakaliiii* Btw, the postings are really cool! (kecuali website yang ngomongin tentang crushes itu -_-) Check it, especially if you're the students of Smansa!

yang keren ---> http://malesishere.wordpress.com/2010/10/27/a-loud-great-campaigns-silent-voices/#comments
yang 'agak-agak' ---> http://www.girlsaskguys.com/Articles/Flirting/Signs-He-Likes-You-Signs-He-Doesnt.html

OYA ONE MORE INFO!

You won't believe if it's the lyrics of a post-hardcore song. But trust me, this song really sounds good and had some related lyrics, i guess so. At least, I think it's the best post-hardcore song I ever heard. And this is the first post-hardcore song EVER that I liked. Hope you'll like it too.

I don't wanna take your precious time
'Cause you're such a pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty face
But you turned into a pretty big waste of my time
-If You Can't Hang by Sleeping with the Sirens

remind me of him.

Pas liat liat tumblr, tiba tiba nemu tumblr MissLittlePaintBrush, dan begitu dibuka, tadaaaam...

Yeah, those all are created by herself. Amazingly cute right? ;) Btw, she's from Philipinnes. And I wonder if she's just about 14 or 16 , just around my age. Of course she had a boyfriend, and they dating for about 3 years! WOW. What a rare thing in our life now.

Actually, I'm a bit shock when see this picture. Her boyfriend look like BBM a bit! oh my god , what's this? COINCIDENCE AGAIN? I'm really tired of something called "coincidence" -_-

The boyfriend . LOOK LIKE BBM!!

However, they such a happy couple. And I really amazed in the way how can they keep a relationship for a VERY long time. Well done, good job :)

This is the real LittleMissPaintBrush. Awwww she's really cute!

WHY IS EVERYONE SUCH LIKE LOVEBIRDS? #angrysobadly

AND WHY IS EVERY HANDSOME BOYS THAT I SAW JUST REMIND ME OF BBM? I WANNA FORGET HIM GOOOD. JUST THAT. WHY IT SEEMS TO BE REALLY HARD? JUST FORGETTING, HE'S JUST ANOTHER ORDINARY BOY, OH MY GOD.

Even I didn't talk much about BBM with my friends, I'm still got a little "ache" inside my heart when I thinking about him. I really dumb, I know. I shouldn't do these kind of useless thing just for a boy who will never noticed me, really.

But, when I heard songs--mostly heartbreak song--I feel like thinking about him again. I even still often count the time in place where he lives now. You know, he lives at US now. So far away from me. And the time differences between me and him is 11 hours. But actually, the distances is better like this. Why? With a condition like this, I won't be able to see him again, and the pain just killing me for temporary, not forever, because instead, he's so faaaaar away.

Now, I realized that forget someone is not as easy as when we fall for someone.

Oh, let's just get me a boyfriend, really. I want to erase my memories about BBM. I just want to kick him out of my mind and my entire life. Is that wrong? I just wanna be myself before I met him. I never be messed up like this until I met him. Met him, I think, was the biggest failure at my life.

I dunno what to say more, but I know the best way to forget him.

Let's pray more.

Bewew

Just Nothing

I'm sorry, this posting should be posted last night, but I'm over-sleep, so I just posted it now. Sorry :)

uwoooooooooo saya tadi kaget pas mau nyalain laptop, kok pas chargernya dicabut langsung mati lagi, oh my gooooooooood i'm in big trouble D: masalahnya, dulu saya juga bikin batere laptop kantor ayah saya rusak gara gara dicharge terus. Matiiiiiiiiii bisa diapain lagi nih? Yaudah pasrah aja. Pas dicheck ke On AC Power-nya, itu ada warna putih. eh jangan jangan...

SIAL BATERENYA TERNYATA DICABUT! PANTES AJA!! eh gila udah takut setengah mati tadi. fiuh, alhamdulillah.

Btw, tadi belajar mate nih. huhuuu kelamnya hidupku, satnight sama buku matematika . Ini mah namanya SADNIGHT. Udah ga kemana mana, ortu pergi ke selametan tetangga, si mbak tidur lagi, kura kura molor juga, cuma berduaan sama buku mate lagi :<

Nge suffle walkman, tapi malah muterin lagu Just So You Know -_- Bukannya apa apa, tapi, di video klipnya, si Jesse tuh ceritanya naksir pacar sahabatnya, cewek itu juga. Tapi kan Jesse nggak enak sama sahabatnya, jadi dipendem aja. SUER TEKEWER KEWER kasian banget Jessenya. Ini lagu cocok banget buat bangkitin semangat orang yang sedang patah hati. Heeeeeey aku lagi pusing dua ratus keliling ngerjain mate, bukan patah hati! Di-shuffle lagi, eeeh muncul Forever In Love-nya Kenny G. GA MAU!!! terlalu mellow! ganti lagi... eh taunya muncul lagu ini. Sejenak saya diam.

"Never look back" we said

How was I to know I'd miss you so?
Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind
Where do I go?

And you didn't hear
All my joy through my tears
All my hopes through my fears
Did you know, still I miss you somehow

From the bottom of my broken heart
There's just a thing or two I'd like you to know
You were my first love, you were my true love
From the first kiss into the very last rose...

Ini judulnya From the Bottom of My Broken Heart . Dinyanyiin sama Britney Spears, udah lamaaa banget. Dan di video klip lagu ini, Britney masih alim, bahkan dia belom bikin video Toxic dimana dia memulai image "nakal"nya. Ini lagunya enak, tapi daleeeem banget. Ditambah lagu ini itu sering dinyanyiin sama saya dulu kalo kangen Atas :') Tapi kok kalo diliat liat malah jadi ngarah ke BBM ya? aduuuuh .. I still can't forget him. I said, I will get over him, but I JUST CAN'T!

Sedih rasanya kalo inget BBM. Padahal kalo dipikir pikir, bahkan dia nggak pernah sadar akan kehadiran saya. oke, itu lebay. Dia tahu bentuk saya kaya apa (kaya donat) tapi gatau nama saya , mungkin. Dan pastinya, ngapain dia susah susah nyari tau? Emang saya siapa sih? Selena Gomez? Miley Cyrus? Heeey saya cuma bewew atau nama lebih bagusnya bezta (apalah) yang tinggal di kota kecil-penuh-dengan-angkot-ijo-dan-untungnya-bukan-penuh-dengan-kolor-ijo-dan-kota-ini-sering-banget-hujan-dan-masuk-world-guinness-book-of-record-karena-petir-di-kota-ini-dalam-sehari-merupakan-jumlah-petir-terbanyak-di-dunia-(Y) ---> malah curhat -_- gitulaah.

Seringlah saya merenung, ah coba aja saya bisa flashback waktu... Saya mau kembali ke pertengahan bulan Mei, saya nggak akan SKSD sama NC, saya nggak akan main main terus selama liburan, saya akan lebih serius berdoa di mekkah, saya akan perbaikin nilai matematika, saya akan menjalani bulan puasa dengan lebih baik lagi, saya nggak akan berantem sama Ibu lagi, saya akan belajar serius untuk Mid-Semester, saya nggak akan suka sama Mr Ordinary, saya akan belajar serius buat Tes Diagnostik. Dan of course, saya NGGAK AKAN ikut ke halal bihalal bareng Ibu. nggak akan. Kalo aja saya bisa nerawang. Kalau saja.

Sayangnya, waktu nggak akan pernah bisa terulang dan diulang. Penyesalan selalu datang terlambat.

Jadi, life lesson kali ini, kalo mau ikut acara-emak-emak-yang-kemungkinan-bakal-ada-cowok-guanteeeeeengs-sejagat-raya-yang-nggak-akan-pernah-bisa-saya-miliki, sebaiknya GA USAH IKUT. Alesan apa kek, sakit kek, ada tugas kek, ada ulangan kek, pokoknya jangan pernah ikut lagi. Jangan. Itu nggak baik buat kesehatan hati kita.

Dan sakit hati, sampai saat ini lama untuk dapat disembuhkan. Obatnya pun hanya ada dua di seluruh pelosok dunia, yaitu cinta dan waktu.

Biarkan waktu yang menghapus segalanya. Biarkan cinta yang menghapus segalanya. Buka hatimuuuu... Bukalah sedikit untukku. Sehingga diriku bisa memilikimuuuuuuu.... Hiyaauu najoooooong. Sekaligus aja, bertahan satu ciiiiiiiiintaaaaaaaaaa bertahan satu ce-i-en-te-a

Yaaah gapapa sih, asal CINTA-nya jangan diganti sama TINJA aja -__- ga lucu abis "bertahan satu tinja" ohok ohok, malah eneg dengernya, bukan mellow XP

Dream #gataukeberapa

That dream was so strange!

MIMPI LAGI DONG SAYA KETEMU SAMA SI BBM -___- deuuuuuh tadi malem padahal nangis nangis mikirin nilai eeeeh yang masuk mimpi malah BBM. sial heeeem. Udahlah, bersyukur aja hehehe.

Mau tau ceritanya?

Gatau, tiba tiba saya liat si BBM ke spensa. gila. itu orang mau ngapain? Ternyata eh ternyataaaa dia ceritanya numpang sekolah disini dulu sementara ortunya balik ke Amrik. Atuh ya kenapa dia ga ke smansa? bukannya dia udah SMA ya? ==a

Terus di kelas, dia duduknya di belakang bewew XD diem dieman aja kita. Tapi pas hari kedua, bewew nyoba nyapa dia, daaaan so suddenly kita jadi bestfriend. Kemana mana bareng. Sumpah kocak abis. Terus tiba tiba di Bogor teh jadi banyak aliran listrik (mungkin kebawa pikiran fisika) kalo pas listriknya lagi kuat, mobil jadi ketarik mundur (?) Daaan tiba tiba lagi, bewew lagi tour around the world sama Yangti - Kukung a.k.a my grandparents, terus mampir ke Book Fair gitu. Lalu Yangti nyeritain bahwa saya punya sodara , yaitu Apirang . APA?! jejejejeng....

This dream is the craziest dream, afterall :/ I never wanna wake up when it comes to BBM. MAU DONG JADI SAHABATNYA BBM! :(

20 10 2010

huaaaah it's 20.10.2010

it means, umm, nothing for me -____-

But, there was a boy confessed at school. Well, I NEVER see any kind of confession yet (I only read it at novels) So, I got really curious and watched the boy confessed to the girl he likes. I'm veryyyyyyy curious, what is the meaning something called "CONFESSION" for real? penasaran banget, gimana sih momen momen pas cowok bilang "I Love You" dan sebangsanya?

Actually, confession kali ini perjuangan abis, karena pas sang mempelai cowo (kaya apaan tau, mempelai zz) "nembak" dan ceweknya belom jawab "iya" atau "enggak", muncul secara tiba tiba beberapa guru, diantaranya ada guru Agama, sama Headmaster. Aje gile! sumpah serem abis. Fortunately, there was nothing happened, and beside, there's a new LOVEBIRDS at spensa. swit swit, congrats guy!

Curcol nih, waktu kelas 6, saya lagi laku lakunya (ha-ha, kayak barang aja, laku -____-) ditembak 2 kali . Kuantitas sih udah oke, tapi kualitas NOL BESAR.

Yang pertama, super-ga-gentle. Udah nembaknya lewat surat, bahasanya super-disgusting (BAYANGIN dong, dia nulis I love you forever, Bewizta... ---> YAKIN LO?? for-ever? I don't think so -___- ga ngaku pula sampe detik ini.

Dan yang paling bikin saya sebel, DIA NULIS WHAT-SO-CALLED-LOVE-LETTER ITU DI KERTAS BEKAS YANG SAYA SENDIRI UDAH MERASAKAN KETIDAKBERGUNAAN KERTAS TERSEBUT! gile, jajan bisa, beli kertas ga bisa. Teu boga modal bukan? -.-

Yang kedua, sebenernya kentara banget dia mau nembak, cuma saya lagi in love sama Cantik (gebetan dari kelas 4-6) makanya jadi ngapung a la orang jatuh cinta dan ga sadar sama sekali.

First, Ivo, sobat SD, nanya ke saya, "Bew, kalo ditembak senengan pake surat, ditelpon, ato ngomong langsung?" (belom ada FB waktu itu, cuma ada FS, dan belum semua orang punya FS)

Dengan polos dan BEGOnya saya bilang, "ya ngomong langsung dong, udah ramah lingkungan (hem -_-) kesannya gentle gitu."

Setelah itu, tiba tiba ada temen cowok yang sekelas pas kelas 6, si An, nanya lagi pertanyaan yang amat mirip dengan pertanyaan yang telah Ivo ajukan pada saya. Saya menjawab persis. Dan tau apa yang melintas di otak saya waktu itu?

waaaaaaaaah bakal ditembak nih! jangan jangan sama si cantik (geer pisan -_-) , kan cantik sering nongkrong bareng An. WAAH DREAM COME TRUE!!!

Ngapung banget saya saat itu. Tapi tau apa yang terjadi selanjutnya?

An. He confessed to me.

Ga ada tentang Cantik SEDIKIT pun. melenceng banget dari perkiraan, sumpah. Ya Allah. aduuuuh masalahnya si An itu lho, dia itu mirip banget sama Ruben Onsu. Serius deh, mukanya mirip, agak cebol. Bukannya saya ngehina, tapi bahkan guru IPS saya bilang dia itu "jadi cewek masuk, jadi cowok masuk" gubraks.

Pas dia nembak, saya langsung freezing di tempat (untung ga meleleh) dan ekspresi di muka langsung hilang entah kemana. Pas dia selesai nembak, saya cuma geleng kepala (baca : penolakan), terus masuk ke kelas. THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT LIKE WHAT I'VE EXPECTED BEFORE!!!

malangnya aku T_T

Setelah nolak An, hubungan kita tetep baik baik aja sampe sekarang. Bahkan saya nggak risih sedikit pun sama dia (seperti yang telah aku bilang, dia itu jadi cowok masuk jadi cewek masuk HAHAHA sori An) mungkin karena dia punya selera humor yang baik , jadi biasa aja.

Saya juga pernah ngirim surat ke Cantik. HIIIII menyeramkan -_- masalahnya, banyak banget yang suka sama Cantik waktu itu. Dodooooool. Tapi itu bukan surat cinta, tenang aja :p

Kalo saya ditembak lagi nih ya, mau Liam Aiken yang nembak, mau BBM yang nembak, mau Mr Ordinary yang nembak, pasti saya tolak HAHAHAH #janganpercaya

Serius eh. ceritanya kan ga mau pacaran. suci itu indah (?) ---> apa banget.

Oke, janji deh, kalo saya ditembak bakalan kayak gini

cowo : lu mau ga jadi cewe gua? (megang bunga, coklat, blah blah)
saya : emmmmmmmm (sok mikir)
diam diam mengambil bunga dan cokelat, lalu..
saya : MAKASIH COKLATNYA! I LOVE YOU FULL DAH! HAHAHAHA (ngacir)

Nolak, tapi ngambil bunganya yeee -_- iya dong, manfaatin prinsip ekonomi dong, "dengan modal yang sedikit-dikitnya , ambil untung sebanyak banyaknya" tapi saya ga yakin akan berani melakukan hal ini di kehidupan nyata. Nolak, atau bahasa kerennya, Ignoring, is not something that we can do that easily. Susah pake banget buat nolak orang, apalagi kalo orang yang nembaknya menggoda iman (yaelaaah bew, please dong!)

In the end, saya cuma mau bilang, to my dearest kecengans (kan pake verb, karena kecengannya banyak, makanya ditambah "S") pleaaaaaaseeeeeee ya , jangan buka blog bewew oke oke ? ;) karena dengan membuka blog ini, dijamin akan membuat cowok normal manapun ilfil wgwg

RIL

(Rest In Love)

Bewew

you're still the one

You're still the one I run to
You're still the one I want for life
You're still the one that I love
You're still the one I dreamed of

You're still the one in my mind

You're still the one..

celebek?

celebekkah saya? celebekkah anda? celebekkah kita?

MELEKETEHE?!

saya merasa bahwa saya celebek dengan dua gebetan, ups kayaknya tiga. guess, they are ; Mr Ordinary , BBM (I know you won't surprised as well as I hope) then the last is...

yep, NC.

Ooo tidaaaaaaaaaaaak NC udah ada monyetnya, you moron. But, yea, cuma gara gara sering eye contact sama dia (just FYI, his eyes still as sharp as knife), I melting again -_- F word for you. tau kan "F" word? depannya F belakangnya K terdiri dari 4 huruf , udah ah kebanyakan cluenya hehehehe

Mr Ordinary. Diam diam menghanyutkan, ga nahaaaaaaaaaan meeeeeeen *apalah. He looks so damn cute when his smiling (bahasanya CUTE, gila banget ini mah) unfortunately, suddenly I know that one of my friends likes him too. Dan kayaknya dia serius. Saya tinggal mundur teratur aja ini mah -_-" kenapa mundur? here's my reasons :

- she's thinking before she speaks

- she's the way smarter than me.

- she's beautiful, feminine, WHAT A GENTLE WOMAN! (?)

- she's calm (yeah, sometimes I can be very LOUD)

- she's doesn't have any enemy

- she's thiiiin #envy

- she's my friends since elementary school, umm NO! from kindergarten!

- etc etc etc

jelaskah? jelas ya? jelas dong.. (maksa)

BBM? waaaaaaaaah di West Haven sekarang masih mau jam setengah dua siang nih, perbedaan waktunya 11 jam! -_- by the way, I'm getting crazy, because everything around me are shouting that spell. BBM's name, you know. pas pelajaran IPS, Pak Wahyu lagi nerangin tentang World War II gitu, tiba tiba nyambung ke... "Dulu Kaisar Jepang dianggap keturunan MATAHARI, makanya setiap orang yang lihat MATAHARI bakal dihukum di masa itu." eh gile, kayak ditohok aja saya. kesindir tau ga, KESINDIR! Sampe keselek saya dengernya. Okay, okay. There was a misunderstanding. Matahari at these section means a real "SUN", not a person's name, okay? JUST GET OVER IT. FORGET HIM. And however, it's not means like a real-just-get-over-it, because He never and won't going to fall for me, he just knows me as her-mother-friends's-daughter. Not more, neither less. It just a temporary one-sided love, okay?

Aku nggak mau celebek. Aku nggak mau celebek. Aku nggak mau dan nggak akan pernah mau celebek!

Oiya, buat yang belom tau celebek itu apa (kaya Ajeng) , Celebek itu sama aja dengan CLBK. belom tau juga?! (kaya Ajeng lagi) grrrrr CLBK itu CINTA LAMA BERSEMI KEMBALI. Hueks, aku paling ga mau celebek sama NC!!!!!!

ps : nilai tes diagnostik saya MENYEDIHKAN.
Matenya dapet dibawah 70 T_T sedih banget sih. NEM bayangannya untuk saat ini maksimal 32. huhuhuhu wish me luck for a better grade, ameeeeeeen. Yah, paling nggak, saya tidak akan sekelas PT (Pelajaran Tambahan) dengan orang orang "kelewat" cerdas seperti Mr Ordinary, NC, sekaligus musuh abadi kita semua sekaligus partner terbaik dalam belajar, Danin. Yeeeeee #sarcastic

A to the TAS

tadi pas lagi "stalking"di fb, seperti biasa, saya iseng iseng liat notification saya. Terus tau tau nyambung ke status salah seorang teman sekelas yang saya like. Dan ada komen kakak kelas di sana, saya klik deh profile si kakak kelas itu terus saya liat photos of me-nya dia. pas lagi liat liat, tiba tiba muncul foto jadul pas dia masih kelas 8, dan ada sosok putih di sampingnya, cute banget, dan...

O-EM-JI ITU ATAS!!!!!!!!!!

I guess this is just like another little coincidence -_-

Itu foto atas pas masih kelas 8, dan tahunnya jelas jelas 2008. Gilak. Gilak. Gilak. Gilak. Gilak. Gila (tanpa K)

Langsung aja, saya buka se-album foto itu. Dan tau nggak sih? sebenarnya album foto itu punya orang yang udah cukup lama jadi friends bewew. saya cengo aja di album itu. GILE MEN ATAS GAYANYA LUCU LUCU WAKAKAKAK XD dan btw, sebelumnya pas nge-add orang yang punya album itu, saya nggak tau dia siapa, yang jelas saya tahu dia orang Indo yang berdomisili di Negara Tetangga, tapi setelah liat album itu, saya tahu dia sempet sekolah di spensa sampe kelas 8, terus pindah. Anjir, sayang ga sempet kenal padahal ganteng tuh kakak kelasnya #digampar. Bodo aaaaaaaaaah~ lanjut liat fotonya!

Bahkan di album itu banyak gaya Atas yang nggak jaim, coba praktekin deh gayanya ; bentuk lingkaran dari jari telunjuk dan ibu jari tangan kanan, lalu taruh di mata kanan (posisi kanannya sama dengan posisi jantung bilik kanan) bibir dimiringkan ke kiri (arah bilik kiri jantung) sambil dimonyongin dikit.

Can you imagine that? seorang ATAS gitu looooooh. yang sekarang cangak, ternyata dulu gayanya keren keren menjurus alay wgwgwg. bahkan fotonya di buku tahunan spensa cangak -_- (sori atas hehehe ^^)

Ah It's like I found someone to replaces BBM's position :D Yeay, I can forget him! Big thanks and love to Atas. And Allah, of course.

Belom puas, saya akhirnya buka profilenya Atas (yang sampai detik ini belum saya add juga) tiba tiba saya liat statusnya, dan saya menemukan nama facebook adeknya Atas. Wait... I feel familiar with these name. So, langsung saya search namanya, dan....

OH MY GOD!

Adiknya Atas... yang selama ini bewew cari cari... how can i say it? Oke. Adenya Atas, ternyata selama ini saya kenal sama dia. Bahkan tiap liat adenya Atas, saya langsung gemeteran bagai didatangi hantu jeruk purut karena saya punya pengalaman buruk yang melibatkan dia sebagai tokoh utama. Bah, kalo sama Atas mah, misteri jeruk purut pun serasa romansa jeruk peras WAKAKAK.

Astagfirullah, saya depresi di depan komputer ngebandingin foto Atas sama adenya. GILA! yang satu kuereeeen (banyak yang bilang dia ganteng looh, meski a bagas yang anggun nan jelita belum mau mengakuinya) yang satu kaya APAAN TAU kalo bewew ngeliat dia. Yang satu putih, yang satu sawo kurang mateng.

Bahkan pas ngetik ini saya masih depresi. STRESS. DEPERESI. tuh kan jadi typo, maksud saya DEPRESI! bahkan nggak kebayang sama sekali kalo adenya Atas berwujud seperti ITU! (lo kira ape?) I can't stand to being around "Adenya Atas" so, I could never marry Atas huhuhu T_T

This is not just another little coincidence, I guess. It really big and affected my love life too. Masa Atas rela sih ngebiarin bewew sama Apiraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang????

Lama lama aku bisa jadi gila beneran kalo harus selalu bertemu dengan yang namanya "coincidence" uuuuuuuuh bumi emang SEMPIT.
ps : Hazrin, Alun, Wedar, Alya dan Salsa seharusnya tau siapa adeknya Atas.

nonsense

SAYA NEMU TUMBLR-NYA BBM!!!!

so? -__-"

So far, all things i have known about him is;

- his long name
- his family
- where does he lives
- where he goes to school
- his youtube account
- his facebook account
- his twitter account
- his tumblr account
- his-dad-blog-on-blogger
- his little bro name (which is unique just like his name)
- his favourite musician (do I have to say it one by one? he likes Kanye West (O EM JI DIA SENENG SAMA KANYE WEST????), Jay-Z, Lupe Fiasco, Kid Cudi, B.o.B, Fall Out Boy, Good Charlotte, Panic! At The Disco, Linkin Park, We The Kings, etc.)
-his interest
-his favourite movie, diantaranya ada Rush Hour, Inception, Shaun of The Dead, sama Star wars. komen saya : kalo Rush Hour emang SERU banget! Inception kepengen nonton tapi gajadi jadi #DERITALO! , Shaun of The Dead kayaknya sering denger deh. Star wars? mati kebosenan gua nontonnya (padahal mah baru ngeliat cover dvdnya doang heheh :p)

yang paling saya pengen tau : HIS BIRTH DATE! I'M CURIOUS TO DEATH! bisa bisa saya jadi arwah penasaran saking pengen taunya.

and also, he says on his tumblr : Btw feel free to add me on Facebook (******** *********) --> apa banget dah sok disensor sama saya wgwg <-- I wanna shout at him, SO WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?? eh salah ding, kenapa ga confirm friend request dari temen temen bewew?? kenapa? yah ketauan deh hihihi #wildmodeon jadi kesannya saya benar benar terobsesi banget gitu ya sama dia? NYEBELIN! sumpe dah, dia bahkan lebih menyeramkan daripada tokek-yang-waktu-itu-keliaran-di-rumah-sebulanan-dan-saya-yang-sendiri-di-rumah-ketakutan-abis-akhirnya-tokek-itu-dibunuh. bahkan tadi malem saya mimpiin dia zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz -______-"

jadi di alam mimpi, ceritanya saya sama Ibu baru pulang dari spensa naek mobil, terus halte yang jadi patokan rumah ane kelewat. Ga ada angin ga ada hujan, saya diturunin di situ, terus saya liat di warung, kayak ada mamanya BBM, tapi ga ada BBMnya. saya pikir itu cuma halusinasi, makanya saya langsung balik badan. EH BEGITU NAIK MOBIL LAGI, SAYA NGELIAT ADA ANAK COWOK LAGI LARI KE ARAH LAIN PAKE BAJU GARIS GARIS BIRU, PERSIS BAJUNYA BBM! tiba tiba dia menghilang, dan saya kebangun.

ga mungkin.

dia udah balik ke negerinya.

ARRRRRRRRGH YA ALLAH, WHY CAN'T I JUST FORGET HIM? KENAPA WAKTU ITU BEWEW IKUT KE HALAL BIHALAL? KENAPA SAYA DITAKDIRKAN BUAT BERTEMU DIA? LIFE'S VERY UNFAIR!

kalo aja saya ga pernah liat dia, mungkin saya masih in love sama apirang, atau Mr Ordinary. kalau saya ga pernah liat dia, hidup saya ga akan kacau kayak gini!

Kalo aja saya bertemu dia dalam keadaan fisik yang lebih cantik atau otak yang lebih smart, mungkin saya akan punya confidence buat dapetin dia, and that's all. I'll be very in love. Tapi saat ini, keadaannya jungkir balik 180 derajat.

cross that suit you the best
[ ]beautiful
[ ]smart
[ ]good-looking
[ ]social-butterfly
[ ]easy-going
[ ]well-minded
[ ]funny
[ ]tender
[ ]kind-hearted
[x]evil personality
[x]rude
[x]loud
[x]introvert
[x]selfish
[x]lazy
[x]geeky
[x]always single because no one ever likes me
[x]old minded
[x]makes people lose feeling easily

well, yeah, that's the real me.

She's instantly more pretty and more interesting than me,
She is thinking before she speaks,
She is not all rendered and gree,
I bet she doesn't like to eat,
I bet her feet don't even stink!
(Kate Nash - Kiss That Grrrl)

don't ever regret love.

"Jangan pernah nyesel jatuh cinta. Kita nggak bisa nentuin kapan dan pada siapa kita jatuh cinta. Nggak semua cinta bisa terbalas. Tapi bagaimanapun hancurnya hati, cinta pasti meninggalkan kenangan ajaib yang bisa mengajari kita tentang kebahagiaan. Saat kita berusaha menemukan maknanya, kita akan bertambah bijaksana dan pada akhirnya kita akan sadar cinta itu indah."

-Matemacinta-

quotes about heartbreak

I want to be the one - I want to be the person that touches your heart and makes it skip a beat - I want to be that person whose arms make you just melt - I want to be the person that your destined to be with.

But the thing that I want you to see the most is that I survived without you.

I hate the way I could never hate you.

I don't know which is worse, loving someone knowing its going to cause you pain or being in pain because you can't love someone.

Do I really love him or am I addicted to the pain of wanting something I can't have...

I'm scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because every time I fall in love, it never seems to last.

The truth of the matter is, I still have feelings for you. And no matter how many times I tell myself that I'm better off with out you, a part of me just won't let go.

Sometimes - no matter how long, or how much you love someone, they will never love you back and somehow you have to learn to be okay with that.

You really know you love someone when all you want is for them to be happy, even if that means that you are not a part of it.

I just want someone to come up to me and kiss me and tell me that they're in love with me. I don't just want it though. I need it. I'm desperate for it.

I would like to thank you, for showing me a part of myself that I have never seen. Yeah we were young and dumb, but it still was fun and I guess these things just tend to fall apart and I hope you feel the same.

Somehow I know we'll meet again, not quite sure where and not sure when, your in my heart so until then good-bye.

Maybe they are right. Maybe I did get my hopes up too high. Maybe I was in over my head. Maybe I am the stupid one for ever thinking that you loved me, but maybe, just maybe, I am tired of being alone.

I made a choice to finally let go, because I can't stand the pain, it's time for my last tear to fall and smile again.

Sometimes the memories are worth the pain.

going insane

i'm sick, because of him.

AAAAAAAAAAAAA~JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT BBM! saya udah promise ga akan suka sama dia lagi, inget bew, ingeeeeet! kemaren lagi, ga sengaja lagi kepikiran, eh ga sengaja denger lagu Bukan Permainan - Gita Gutawa. nyebelin abis -______- This song is remind me about Cantik (kecengan kelas 4- 6) and about ALMOST of every crush. sial banget deh pokoknya. Lagi semangat semangatnya ngelupain BBM -- sampe semangat semangatin diri sendiri dan teriak teriak dalam bahasa planet, eeee kedengeran lagunya Dave Koz, First Love. SIAL BANGET SIH! malah lagu slow mellow gitu, padahal lagi berusaha mengobati hati yang terluka (weitsah bahasanyaaaaaa :p) butuh lagu penyemangat 45 nih! *denger aja lagu Indonesia Raya -.-

Sering banget saya mikirin, dia lagi apa, lagi ngapain, mungkin lagi ngerjain tugas homeschoolingnya kali ya? atau... OKAY, I TOLD YOU TO STOP, MISS BRAIN! don't ever look back, don't ever look back *nyanyi* belum tentu BBM mikirin saya, orang yang nyaris stress gara gara berusaha ngelupain dia. Just like Taylor Swift, masalah hidup adalah inspirasi. Bahkan saya sampai membuat lagu (atau lebih pantas disebut yel yel) buat BBM.

I don't care if he handsome

So what?

I don't like him anymore

dan yel yel super ga jelas itu saya teriakin tepat di depan mukanya dia, meskipun cuma di depan fotonya, cuma sosok virtual, tapi saya cukup puas HAHAHA *jahat* semua orang bilang dia cakep, well that word may suits him perfectly. Tapi saya ga mau mengakui itu. Ntar terbang dia (bukannya lo yang terbang?)

I know, i know from the start that I'm not suitable enough for him, paling enggak melalui tampang,PHYSICALLY. I'm just an average girl, who is not satisfied with her posture, who doesn't have any achievement (prestasi), very ordinary. That's me. But, just listen to what Alexa Chung said :

I'd rather have a bigger brain than smaller bones

Agree. Secara pribadi, saya sendiri lebih tertarik untuk menjadi "smart girl" than the beauty ones. Oke, jadi cantik emang penting--terutama buat cewek seumuran saya--tapi lebih bagusan mana? Cantik tapi kalo ditanya pengetahuan umum udah garuk kepala, or smart girl tapi tampang biasa? I prefer the second one. Being beautiful is exciting, to be honest, but I've already could feel the disadvantages of being beautiful, even I never being one of them. Being beautiful is painful, said a member from Spice Girl.

Dan lagi, cowok cowok keren di masa sekarang, yang nggak hanya punya tampang tapi otaknya juga oke punya, kebanyakan nggak hanya mencari cewek yang cantik tok. They dying for a beautiful girl who got the brain, just like Alexa Chung, Natalie Portman, Emma Watson, etc.

okay, just study from now on. Mari mengejar mas mas pintar *SAYA GA SUKA MAS MAS!!!! >_<"

sedih

Saya sedih.

karena?

cowok.

hem -.- oke, this boy isn't one of my crushes. really, i swear :) this guy, is BBM. Seeing photos of him just make it more painful. How can you mend a broken heart?

Bukan apa apa ya, I know nothing about him. Bahkan saya nggak tahu tanggal lahirnya. Ga tahu apa dia udah pernah pacaran ato belom, atau malah udah ki***** --> you know what, ga usah nanya, jijik ngebayanginnya. I just felt that he will never ever likes me, never got curious about me. And that feeling is very bother me, even hurt me. Being not loved by someone you love is really painful. Seperti paku yang menancap dan ga bisa dicabut.

Oke, saya rasa ini terlalu lebay, mengingat saya baru bertemu dia kurang lebih 48 jam yang lalu. Tapi, do you believe CAFS? Crush At First Sight? I really believe it. Kamu bisa liat seorang cowok dan langsung kepincut. That's it, kenapa Islam melarang "berpandangan mata", karena seeing each other is very worth it. Kalian liat cowok ganteng dalam semenit dan bisa aja jatuh hati, sangat biasa terjadi bukan? Well, yang saya maksud "cowok" di sini adalah manusia berumur 12 sampai 18, nggak lebih dan nggak kurang, dan tentu saja bukan spesies lain.

In other side, I don't believe Love At First Sight. Kamu lihat cowok itu dan langsung merasa dia cinta sejatimu? Maaf, tapi menurut saya itu agak tidak rasional dalam kehidupan nyata. Lah iya kalau orangnya baik, kalo penjahat kelas kakap? mati aje lo.

Balik ke topik awal, I just feel, that BBM is not suitable with me. Dia terlalu cakep, terlalu keren. Oh my god, even ALL of my friends screaming when saw photos of him. Sampai rumah saya kayak mau roboh. Kaca kaca pada pecah. Apalagi ada yang pose "cool" tapi candid, mereka bereaksi lebih dari apa yang saya perkirakan.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA CAKEP BANGEEEEEET!!!" --> Alya

"UWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW" Irin screaming (Irin gitu, IRIN!)

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BEWEW!! BAGI FOTONYA!!" Ajeng

"pada ngeributin apa sih? -,-" --> wedar, belum terinfeksi virus BBM.

pada ngeces semua. And I got a photo, when I sat beside him (have i told you? I even sat beside him!! -.-" mereka semua bilang, how lucky I am. yeah, what a lucky chance until an average girl like me could sit beside such a prince charming. Dulu, saya selalu bermimpi, kapan ya saya bakal found my true prince charming, yang bakal forever love me, always smiled to me, just keep silent, silent is better than flirting , or known as "gombal". Sekarang saya dapat kesempatan itu, at first I felt so happy, but it got sad ending. Bahkan, saya sempet sandingin dia sama teman BP saya waktu kelas 6, *ady*, yang blasteran, dan skinny. She looks so beautiful, mengimbangi si keren BBM yang tinggi kurus. Cocok banget, I don't know, I must feel happy or... misery.

I want to start crying right now. Saya merasa ga "imbang" buat dia. Ga cocok. Ah right, saya seharusnya ga berharap buat seorang cowok seperti dia. Cowok luar biasa WOW, ga ada seorang pun yang bisa bilang dia jelek. A word that suit him perfectly, HANDSOME. Saya bahkan ga berpikir soal kualitas otaknya saat melihat tampangnya. Uh oh, gawat.

Don't. Don't waste my tears just for boys that never notice me even once. Jangan buang buang air mata, tenaga dan pikiran, buat seseorang yang bahkan menganggap kamu invisible. I'll show the world, that I could be someone who's better than today. Saya pasti bisa nemuin seorang prince charming yang ga hanya punya tampang, tapi juga otak dan akhlak. I'll try my best. Dan tahu apa impian terbesar saya? berburu foto dengan future soul mate, dan tinggal di tempat with beautiful scenery.

Yah, doakan saja.

*Masyaallah mau Try Out BP!!! belajar! --> bandel. wish me luck :)

I CAN MEND A BROKEN HEART!

Bewizta Maurilla H (I only mention my full name when I happy)

versi lengkap para kecengan

well, in my life, I've been crushing in for about... let me count.. uhm... 16 BOYS! in the whole of my life. gila. saya cuma inget yang saya kecengin mulai dari dari TK B.

kecengan TK : manusia, lelaki berinisial N. Satu TK, SD dan SMP sama saya. gila ga sih? -__- well, saya ngeceng cuma sampe kelas 1.

--SD--

kecengan kelas 1 : berinisial A. Dia juga satu sekolah sama saya dari SD dan kini, SMP.

kecengan kelas 2 : berinisial G. Dia di SMP Negeri lain di bogor, sekolah favorit juga. Ibu saya sama Mama dia akraaaaab banget -_-"

kecengan kelas 3:berinisial K. satu SMP sama G, kecengan kelas 2.

kecengan kelas 4 : berinisial... well I can't tell you about this. Masalahnya, kalau saya kasih tahu, pasti langsung ketebak. Just call him Cantik (nama samarannya dulu Cantika Ayu Beauty, panggilannya Cantik, HAHAHAH) sekarang SMPnya mungkin di BI. I hate him so much when I was in grade 2. but yeaaa... benci jadi cinta. I found myself loved him so much (I've been crushing in him until grade 7) menyebalkan --"

kecengan kelas 5 : berinisial A. Tadinya biasa aja, tapi dia suka curi curi pandang gitu deh. hih menjijikan mengingat curhatan saya di diary tentang dia. Wth. But I still like kecengan kelas 4 the most, much than him :) btw, dia kayaknya SMP di BI lagi deh.

kecengan kelas 6 : Well, sorry, I can't told you his initial too, karena inisialnya jarang dan gampang banget ketebak, just like kecengan kelas 4. He's in the same school with me since TK (kindergarten) until NOW. Oya, he's the bestfriend of Cantik too. what a coincidence. Sekarang, di spensa banyaaaak banget yang suka sama dia. I liked him since I was in grade 6 until grade 7. Let's just call him.. umm... onta (saya inget, saya pernah ngasih nama samaran ke dia Onta, Mr Botak -.-*, sama cewek --> paling ga nyambung)

--SMP--

kecengan kelas 7

well, i must told you all, that my crush in this grade is sooooo many, just like ;

- F, at first I thought he was very ugly. But time goes on and I started to like him, don't know why. He's smart enough (selalu masuk 10 besar), dan cukup alim. I don't really serious in crushing him, tapi ada temen saya, cewek, ember teuing mulutnya. I just said that F is really cool when he's running and a minutes later, everyone know about my impression to F. untung ga digosipin apa apa :p

- FND, menyebalkan. He's never been in the same school with me. I really regret the fate that I have ever been crushing in him. really really regret. What the hell I've thinking at that time?! dan ini juga merupakan yang paling norak, masa saya bikin foto saya sama dia dijadiin satu, terus ada tanda lovenya??? belum cukup sampai di situ aja, temen sekelas 7B waktu itu pada liat gambar itu, Wedar yang iseng buka gambarnya. FORGET IT!!!

- A, sahabat FND. temen SD FND. pernah sekelas sama saya. At first, we talked much, I mean, about FND -__-" because he was the only one who I thought know about FND at that time (well, Faris juga masuk -.-) Tapi dodolnya, waktu itu kecengan kelas 6 sama A jalannya deketan, dan saya iseng nyeletuk ke salah seorang temen (Aussie kalo ga salah) "ih mendingan A daripada onta.." Temen saya langsung cieee cieee cieee deuuuh. gedubrak --" dari sejak itu, saya diledekin terus sama si A. misalnya,

"weee si bewew mau bikin album baru, Bewew feat A..."

"si bewew mau liat pas si A waktu masih kecil kayak apa!"

"cieee ga ada Uye* A pun jadi."

*PS : saya diledekin sama Uye, si childhood friend, sepanjaaaaaaaaang waktu. Mulai dari kelas 1 SD sampe SMP -___- tapi untungnya sekarang udah enggak hehehe. sabar sabar, orang sabar disayang Atas ;p

kecengan kelas 8

- F, tapi saya biasa nyamarin namanya dengan nama SENDU. why? karena dia selalu terlihat sendu #apadeh. bener bener tergila gila saya sama Sendu, waktu itu. Tapi, perasaan ini cuma bertahan untuk sekitar 1 bulan. I've finally found Apirang :D *ngapain senyum bew? -.-

- R, well this is APIRANG. yea, the annoying one, but don't know why, I still loved him, until now even a bit. Actually, i forgot when I started to like him. Mungkin dari awal 2008, akhir akhir kelas 7. Well, his personality changed now. Dulu saya inget banget, dia pernah di sekolah nyamperin saya cuma mau bilang, "Eh ntar gue pinjem pensil ya." hanya itu saja. sekarang? boro boro, buat hal penting aja dia ga mau ngomong -_- sampai sampai temennya sendiri ngewall ke R, yang intinya buat nanya, lo masih inget ga sih sama gue? sama temennya aja kayak gitu, lah gimana sama saya, adek kelas setengah rival?

- Atas. Ga berani ngasih tau inisialnya setelah kejadian "Atas-sepertinya-tahu-saya-suka-sama-dia" maaf ya readers. Dia cukup alim, and to know everythings about him, need many struggle, because waktu saya bener bener in love sama Atas, dia belom punya facebook. Bahkan, untuk nyari tahu tanggal lahirnya aja saya sampe googling -___- dan akhirnya nemu di website BP, di daftar nilai TO ada tanggal lahirnya (strange, huh?) btw dia dapet peringkat 80-an waktu TO, sementara Apirang jauh merosot di bawahnya, ranking 120-an gitu wakakakakak. Saya tahu dia punya adek hasil pengamatan temen temen, Irin, Hazrin dan Wedar. Mereka lihat bahwa Atas sayang banget sama adiknya, pokoknya deket lah, sampe digandeng-gandeng. Aku mau dooong :p but now, I'm only the fans of him. Ga geregetan banget kayak dulu.

kecengan kelas 9

untuk semua kecengan kelas 9 saya belum berani ngasih inisial namanya, karena you know laaah, gampang banget ditebak.

- NC. Sebelum sekarang, saya ga pernah deket sama dia, sama sekali. Ga pernah sekelas. Dan ga ada alasan saya untuk deket sama dia. Tapi saya pernah ada problem sama pelajaran dan dia bantu. mulailah dari situ, ada "TEK!" . saya tau dia dicie ciein sama siapa, makanya saya sempet iseng nanya, bener ga dia suka si "itu"? terus NC jawab nggak. bullshit banget, padahal udah HTS-an gitu. Saya merasa sangat dibohongi. Well, I mustn't jealous, because the girl is the way better than NC. He got no relationship with me, I musn't care for him anymore. So I stopped liked him. Bertahan kurang dari 1 bulan, tapi kita udah banyak ngobrol, yaah ambil hikmahnya aja deh ^^

- Mr Ordinary, just days from now, I was so crazy about him. Topik pembicaraan saya pasti diaaa melulu. Tapi kemudian saya sadar, he's just too perfect to me, even not perfect as NC. he's the way too handsome *ga juga sih* the way too smart, the way too cool but funny too, and he got charisma, just like Apirang. Hasil pemikiran saya berujung pada suatu keputusan : I will stop like him. bolehlah ada rasa rasa gimana, tapi ga boleh sampai ngeceng. No way. Banyak cewek yang lebih cantik, lucu, pinter yang suka sama dia. Saya ga mau nyari musuh. That's all.

Makin tua, makin banyak aja ya crushnya -,- well, I got no crush nowadays. Tapi kalo diliat-liat, yang paling meyakinkan itu cuma Apirang ya? Sama atas, feelingnya ilang, gimana dong? Jujur, ini semua aneh. Dari dulu, yang saya paling hindarin itu Apirang, yang paling saya sebelin itu Apirang, yang paling saya jelek jelekin itu Apirang. Tapi kenapa malah jadi kayak gini?

By the way, I still trust Apirang. Dia pernah bilang, dia belum mau pacaran. I think, mau dia sombong kayak gimana, mau bandel kayak gimana juga, saya percaya dan yakin bahwa dia ga akan pacaran, paling nggak untuk saat ini. Insya Allah. Mudah mudahan Allah selalu menjaga dia dari perbuatan yang nggak baik, Amin.

got no crush

yea. i make a hard decision today. we're heading to the point. yeah, i decided to stop crushing in Mr Ordinary. why?

i've got many reasons, of course. but i just wanna write the main reason.

he seems likes the other girl.

no, no. the girl seems likes him.

NO! They're not like that. really, this time it's just my intuition. that reasons is totally WRONG. or.. maybe not hehe. Only Allah know. but don't know why, i just don't feel to struggle my feelings on him. just don't feel right.

ha-ha -_- bagus sekali bukan? dulu saya pernah nyeletuk, "ih, pengen sekali sekali nggak punya kecengan sama sekali," and it happens to me now. i don't have any crush. precisely, my 4 crushes is going away. far far away. they're heading back to their home in mars (remember the book men are from mars women are from venus?) okay, i know it's too over. i'm stress. Atas? he may recognize me, but he isn't now me very well. Apirang? he is being cold to me lately. he's just.. changed. no kidding, but wait, he never be like this to me before he knew who Atas really is. does it means..?

yea, you know what i'm going to say. maybe he's jealous. HAHA silly right? no wonder he'll jealous for me. hey, he have been crushing in other girl, and I know who the girl is. but... i just heard from my friend, that Apirang doesn't like the girl anymore. HEY but he said to me, that he's still likes that girl! you lie to me, apirang!!!

NC? i decided to stop doing "pdkt" things with him since I really sure that he likes another girl. and the girl seems to likes him too, even they're not dating. Mr Ordinary? Nothing wrong with him, i just... i just can't continue this. am i a loser?

okay, I oficially single now. oops, i mean i always single, i never been in any kind of relationship (except with alya) NEVER. so, i mean, i got no crush now.

today, there were biology subjects (again) studying reproduction (again) and bagas makes a jokes (again) Bu Noor showed us some slides, and the pictures at the slides is DISGUISTING, especially the Male Reproduction one. the picture is the way too clear. i can see it clearly. then it make sense of course hahaha.

i got no crush! yippie! --> being crazy

SAVH (single and very hungry)

bewewSAVH

suddenly found this.

Apabila manusia gagal mencintai Tuhannya, maka cinta sejati tidak akan ditemuinya. (wew.. keren banget kata-katanya)

Karena cinta, dibuatlah dongeng Cinderella. Karena cinta jua, kita sulit berbicara dengan kesadaran logika. Atas nama cinta hati dapat menjadi buta, menjadikan cinta kadang ternoda. Cinta ini bukan hanya milik mereka, tapi dapat juga menjadi milik kita. Melalui lembaran mushaf yang kita baca, atau air mata yang mengalir karena sadar akan dosa yang menjadikan diri hina. Cinta ini hanya dapat dimengerti oleh mereka yang tidak silau akan keindahan dunia. Mengalahkan segalanya hanya untuk menjaga kemurnian cinta untuk diberikan kepada Rabbmu pemilik cinta sejati. (pertamanya biasa aja, waktu baca kata-kata ini. Setelah dibaca untuk yang kedua kali nya.. baru terasa deh mantapnya! Coba baca lagi.. Yang kedua. yang ketiga.. Sehari tiga kali.. > WEKS,, kaya minum obat aja.. ya janganlah…)

Jatuh cinta seperti datangnya pagi. Kita terlalu tersilaukan dengan sinar mentari… (weeee.. yang ini maksudnya apa ya??)

Mata orang yang sedang jatuh cinta tidak bisa disembunyikan (katanya sih, mata orang yang sedang merasakan jatuh cinta itu pupilnya membesar.. trus.. bersinar-sinar gtu.. )

Kita tidak akan mengerti arti cinta sesungguhnya, jika kita masih menganggap cinta itu untuk sesama makhluk (wew.. trus.. lain makhluk apa dong? Cinta sama makhluk halus.. KYAAAAA!!!!)

Ada yang mau nambahkan ga?? Hehehe…. Btw fren.. Ini ada link tentang cinta .
NB : Pernah membaca Taman Orang-Orang Jatuh Cinta dan Memendam Rindu? Dulu pernah mau baca bukunya Ibnu Qayyim Al Jauziyyah ini , tapi ga betah bacanya.. Kata seorang temen sih bagus, tapi waktu itu lagi ga mood dan hanya dapat beberapa halaman. Akhirnya kukembalikan lagi ke pemiliknya.

***

(it's not mine, and of course, i didn't make it. i didn't write any words yet in that pharagraph. it's raw and original. just by now, i found this stuff at an old message at my e-mail inbox. okay, the message was from my another email-address, i sent it to my main email. but actually, i forgot where'd i got this stuff, hehehe.)

lagu dan kenangan

Manusia Biasa : adalaaah kecengan baru (ntar diceritain :D)
I Knew I Loved You : Atas & Apirang
Beautiful Soul : Atas
Just So You Know : Atas & Apirang
Breathless : Atas & Apirang
Waiting for Yesterday : Atas
Perfectly : FND
Everything
Never Say Never : NC
Behind These Hazel Eyes : NC
That's why : NC
With All My Heart : NC
It Happens Everytime : NC
Sugar Rush : NC
I say yeah : NC
This I promise you : Atas, NC, Apirang (gabungan meeeen)
Body Language : NC
Something about Love : Mr Ordinary
Secret Admirer : Mr Ordinary

Astagfirullah, NC-nya banyak banget. kurang ajar. harus kita basmi dia. hahaha. ini lagu yang bewew dengerin waktu nge-crush sama mereka -,- jadi ingetnya sama mereka lol. ntar dilanjutin ya. mau latihan ansamble nih wkwk

dadaaaaah!

ba-thump -___-

OKAY, here we go! :)

bewew lagi aneh nih zz. bukan kasmaran. someone must be crazy if they say that i'm kasmaran . oh well, bewew bilang sekarang -__- lagi ga jelas nih puseeeeng

new comer is getting more and more interesting each day . oh god. oh god. oh god. oh god. ya allaaaah jangan sampe bewew cerita cerita deh ke yang lain ttg dia. oh well, bewew udah cerita ke hazrin sama alya. jangan sampe ajeng tauuu! hahahaha. he seems so perfect to me, even i know he's not. we're NEVER talk to each other. yailaah emang bewew pernah bener bener NGOMONG ke para kecengan? paling cuma apirang. atas? boro boro dah, ngeliat dari 1km aja langsung kabur saking ga tahan akan kegantengannyaaaa *lebay* yang ini? bewew malu dia malu. aaaaaah. padahal dia temen yang asyik kok. seriously. bewew ga mau kehilangan temen kayak dia. pokoknya harus tetep keep in touch for a long time. bodo amat dia mau beranggepan apa, just don't be shy, bew! ya, kata orang (lupa siapa) kita akan lebih menyesal untuk hal yang ga pernah kita lakukan daripada yang pernah kita lakukan. so, i must brave! wish me luck then.

tapi, bewew pernah mikir. he's almost perfect. he can get any girl that prettier, smarter, kinder, richer than me, dan bahkan yang alim sekalipun. eh, dia pernah dong disukain sama temen bewew yang cantik banget :) katanya banyak cewek yang dapet peringkat bagus suka sama dia. oiya, terus ada temen yang jago bikin cerpen juga suka sama dia. meeeeeeh riweuuuh. kayaknya things gonna be simple if i just like my childhood friend (you know who). tapi GA BISAAA! dia terlalu aneh, suka teriak sendiri, dan terlalu kesulean :p sorry bro, hihi.

oh, btw, bewew baru baca zodiak di majalah femina tbi (ketularan a bagas, hayoloo) dan ASMARA-nya orang gila demi apapun bewew melototin itu kata kata terus.

asmara : sedang kasmaran dengan teman yang baru kenal

kok bisa kebetulan gini? relax, maybe this is just a "ujian dari allah"

what i'm thinking? what do you think? ngghhh

WHAT I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? *confused*

dan (lagi lagi) lagu yang cocok buat dia itu JUST SO YOU KNOW by jesse mccartney. cocok buat semua gebetan haha. sama boleh juga lagu monita-kekasih sejati.

just so you know

I shouldn't love you but I want to

I just can't turn away

I shouldn't see you but I can't move

I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not

'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus:]

Just so you know

This feeling's taking control of me

And I can't help it

I won't sit around, I can't let him win now

Thought you should know

I've tried my best to let go of you

But I don't want to

I just gotta say it all

Before I go

Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you

There's so much I can't say

Do you want me to hide the feelings

And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not

'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

This emptiness is killing me

And I'm wondering why I've waited so long

Looking back I realize

It was always there just never spoken

I'm waiting here...been waiting here